Weekly WordSearch: Synonyms for “Whore”

Study: Clickers only required by technology iletirite profs

In a study conducted by students in the psychology department, technologically challenged professors were found to use technology more frequently than those professors able to use it. While seemingly contradictory, the strongest evidence comes from clicker usage numbers.

Clickers, the small, expensive devices required in many lecture classes, are used to record attendance and take pointless class surveys. The study found that clickers are more frequently required in classes where the professor does not know how to use them.

“We found this data surprising from a logic standpoint,” said Research Director Shane Sonic. “But anecdotal evidence fully supports the idea.”

Students in classes where clickers are required were surveyed as part of the study.

“My professor thought we had all bought TV remotes the first day,” said Stefanie View. “When she realized she had required them on the syllabus, she had to hurry up and pretend she knew how to use them.”

View said her professor spends roughly 10 minutes at the beginning of each class rigging the clicker device and overhead projector so the class can log in. Many students bring their friends’ clickers to take attendance for them.

“Even after she sets it up, we just do lame questionaires,” View said. “I don’t give a shit if the kid sitting next to me knows what an igneous rock is. I can’t believe I spent $80 so I could see his answer.”

David Reed, a student in Intro to Mass Communications, said technology is overrated.

“Why would I believe anything my professor says about social media and the future of the Internet if he can’t boot his computer or find his Power Point presentation?” Reed said. “Profs shouldn’t be allowed to use technology if they want to save face in front of students.”

Question of the Week: What three songs would you want on your iPod if you crash landed on an island?

“Sandstorm and the Mario theme.”
Bill Lumpp, senior psychology major

“California Gurls by Katy Perry,  If I Had You by Adam Lambert and Billionaire by Travie McCoy. Oh and Justin Bieber’s entire album. And Rhianna’s.”
Tanya Swanson, junior fashion merchandising major

“Who said my iPod survived the crash?”
Mark Solon, sophomore math major

“Shit you’ve never heard of.”
Hope Fletcher, junior fashion design major

“A recording in 15 languages, including Latin, which I could then broadcast over the island to secure my imminent resuce. Assuming there was a radio to use. Is there perhaps a radio tower on this island from a former civilization? What about polar bears?”
Dwayne Scharp, freshman sales major

“Oh could you imagine? The look on the dean’s face when he found out I’d almost died? How cute. He’d be back on the mainland dancing around like a school girl. Make sure somebody tells him I hooked up with a scantily clad native and decided to stay. Also, “Fuck off.” “
Don Hollister, associate professor of speech pathology

Weekly WordSearch: Synonyms for “Snot”

Senior announces 5-year plan

Senior Jamie Ewing announced yesterday that she plans to continue her education at Kent State for the next five years.

“Not like grad school,” Ewing said during a small press conference in the Student Center. “Like, I’m going to keep failing and changing my major.”

Ewing who has been a political science major, architechture major, physical education major and a dance major said she doesn’t want to graduate.

“There’s really no reason,” she said.

Ewing’s parents have agreed to fund her next educational endeavour on the grounds that she graduate “eventually.”

“We know Jamie is talented and smart,” Mrs. Ewing wrote in a press release. “I guess learning is more important than graduating for her.”

Ewing said she plans to move in with her younger sister who will be a sophomore this year. She will start classes again next semester after she takes a break “to figure out her next move.”

“I know I want to try a new major in the spring, but in the meantime I want to go camping and I’m thinking about getting my hair cut,” Ewing said.

When confronted with the accusation that laziness has led to her inability to complete homework assignments, pass tests and get to class on time, Ewing disagreed.

“It’s not because I’m lazy,” Ewing said. “It’s because I’m usually hungover.”

Cool professor betrays students with difficult exam

Students in Professor Harvey Binns Seven Ideas class had a sour taste in their mouths after their first exam last week. The students had gone to class expecting the usual engaging and hilarious lecture from Binns who had quickly become their favorite professor.

“It was a total curveball,” said junior advertising major Mark Stevens. “We knew there was an exam, but we figured he’d go easy on us. He’s always been such a cool guy, ya know?”

Kristen Young agreed.

“I didn’t study because I thought it was going to be a joke. Then I read the first essay question,” she said.

Young said Binns invited the class to Ray’s two weeks ago for Irish car bombs. The first day of class he impersonated Ferris Bueller’s professor perfectly by bellowing his name name in a monotone voice to the joy of all present. Binns has worn Chuck Taylor’s since day one.

“Then he pulls this shit,” Young said. “I thought we were friends.”

Binns could not be reached for comment this week. Students said he cancelled class for a bachelor party and Bruce Springsteen concert.

“Class is going to be awkward when he gets back,” Young said. “How can things ever be the same?”

Girl changes major

Kourtney Fox announced yesterday that she will change her major to zoology.

“This comes after a night of heaving drinking and that awful test we had in general psych yesterday,” said the 18-year-old freshman.

Fox attended high school in Youngstown and always wanted to be a clinical pscyhologist.

“Those are the ones that help people with their problems, right?” asked the fan of HBO’s drama “In Treatment.”

Fox found her calling after realizing that she could help others who had experienced parental abuse growing up.

“My mom always forced us to eat healthy and I wasn’t allowed to have a cell phone until I was 14,” Fox recalled. “It had an effect on me and I want to help others cope with similar situations.”

That all changed yesterday after Fox learned of her score on a recent test.

“That fucking son of a bitch gave me a D,” she said. Professor Dee Walters had no comment.

Fox decided to switch to zoology “because animals are cute” and “this is probably really what I wanted to do with my life from the start. My mother’s abuse likely suppressed those dreams.”

She dropped her general psychology course and will enroll in classes required for zoology next semester.

“I think I made a good decision,” she said. “I think I’ve found my next calling.”

Question of the Week: Jean shorts, do or don’t?

“I’m doing.”
Bill Lumpp, senior psychology major

“Never, never, no, no, no, no, never! Ew!”
Tanya Swanson, junior fashion merchandising major

“The only thing jean shorts go with is World of Warcraft.”
Mark Solon, sophomore math major

“If you cut your jeans above the knee to make your own shorts, you’re apparently fine. It’s called ‘hipster’ and it’s absolutely sweeping the Zephyr.”
Hope Fletcher, junior fashion design major

“I usually pair jean shorts with a black T-shirt and a black belt. Tuck the shirt in for a polished look. Leave it untucked if you’re carrying your knife on your belt and don’t want attackers to see. If you’re going with embroidered jean shorts, I recommend a matching colored shirt. I wear red when I sport my jean dragon shorts and orange with the flame shorts.”
Dwayne Scharp, freshman sales major

“Not if you want tenure. I’ve been squeezing into khaki seersuckers since ’87 just trying to kiss ass with the dean. But has he noticed? Hell no. Sheila’s powdered clevage gets all the attention around here. I get shit for a v-neck that let’s my chest hair breathe and she gets a raise each time she bends over.”
Don Hollister, associate professor of speech pathology

Student sues PARTA for sucking

Sophomore Debbie Tanner is suing the Portage Area Regional Transit Authority for “not keeping to its proposed schedule, employing drivers who don’t wait for running passengers and never being at the stop when I need them.”

Tanner, who filed the suit yesterday, said she plans to “charge full steam ahead” this winter as her lawyers tackle the transportation provider.

“I’m sick of waiting for the bus,” Tanner said. “It’s never there on time and I’ve already dropped a letter grade in Mass Comm because I’ve been tardy three times.”

Tanner’s suit details an event last spring when she was late catching an 11:04 a.m. bus outside Franklin Hall.

“I saw the bus stop at the sign and there were about three people waiting in line to board,” she writes. “I started jogging when I was about 30 yards away. Then I started running and waving my arms. The last passenger boarded and I was about to get on when the door snapped shut on my fingers and the bus pulled from the curb. I could see the driver smiling and the other riders turned to look at me through the windows.”

PARTA President Tony Meatball had this to say about the suit: “Miss Tanner feels the same way most of our riders do– disgruntled, sweaty, late — but that’s no reason to sue. We got you from A to B didn’t we? That’s really all you can expect of us.”

Elderly landlord discovers extra tenants

It was with feeble arms and trembling legs that Almyra Whittaker climbed the stoop leading to her College Ave. rental property. The 107-year-old landlady had heard “a whole lot of racket” coming from the two-story home the night before and wanted to talk to her tenants.

“They c-c-can’t be k-k-keeping the neighbors up,” Whittaker said, gesturing to three students sprawled in apparent sleep on the lawn next door.

No one answered the door when Whittaker tapped and called “yoo hoo” at 5:45 a.m. yesterday. Annoyed, she found her copy of the house key and let herself in.

“My word, it was astounding,” Whittaker said of the scene that greeted her. “There were b-b-beer cans e-e-everywhere and thirty, maybe f-f-f-forty bodies on the couches and floor.”

Two of the bodies belonged to Jeffrey McNeil and Sean Fitch who have rented the property since July.

“It was just a low-key get together with friends,” said McNeil, a junior history major. “I’m surprised Almyra could even hear it.”

Whittaker shook a finger at two girls on the loveseat mistaking them for her renters.

“Fitch…M-M-McNeil, you said there were only two of you living here,” Whittaker said. The two girls continued to snooze.

After a 45-minute conversation on the front lawn during which they watched the sun rise, McNeil and Fitch were able to convince Whittaker that the alleged “tenants” were actually just overnight guests.

“I’m not sure I believe them,” Whittaker said on the way back to her own home which sits next to the rental property. “Those ‘guests’ come and go like they own the place.”

“Dude they’re guests,” Fitch told Bad News Kent. “The third roommate she’s wigging out about lives in the attic, but she’ll never make it up the stairs to confirm that.”